Swim
by nuclear so and so's
Summary: She would look beautiful. She put on red lipstick, red enough to set off her pale skin. Snow white. Snow white if her mother died of a heart attack.


Her hair was pinned to her head in an elegant bun. Her dress- black and off the rack. Something her mother would have been disgusted with, but it wasn't like she had many other options. She had been spending too much time planning the funeral to worry about what she would be wearing. The casket was black marble, lined inside with bright blue interior. She would wear a Pierre Cardin original, creamy and almost snow white, with big buttons fit for Jackie Kennedy. It was tasteful, original, fashionable, and intricate- it made her look like an angel. The smile on her face in the open casket would show that she had gone peacefully- heart attacks didn't show in the closed eyes, or that smile that, Blair was sure, would still show an air of distaste for her surroundings. She had never been one for churches.

Everyone around Blair had turned into a wreck. Dorota ran around the house cleaning everything that was already spotless; Cyrus hadn't left their room for weeks. The ghost of Eleanor haunted every corner, an omnipotent being that begged Blair to make sure that her last seen outfit wouldn't look too tacky. And please, Blair, make sure Cyrus is okay. He's a very sweet man, and he doesn't know how to handle these things. Blair, you always knew how to handle these things. And I'm sorry.

Blair hadn't turned her phone on in days. Dorota hadn't let anyone in the house. She wanted to be dead to the world- dead was a bad term to use, but she didn't want to hear it. The funeral would be bad enough. "My condolences." They'd all promise, and Blair would smile, reach out her gloved hand- the gloves would be black, of course, and would fit around her arms perfectly, sliding effortlessly up to her elbows- and tell them, "Thank you for coming."

Her dress was black, sleeveless, and cut in tight around her waist. It flared out under, going down past her feet, with black lace of flowers crawling up and around her. She would look beautiful. She put on red lipstick, red enough to set off her pale skin. Snow white. Snow white if her mother died of a heart attack.

The ride to the funeral home was almost unbearable. Dorota sat on one side of her, gripping her hand, begging her to say something. Blair hadn't said anything that didn't involve a funeral arrangement in days. In fact, she hadn't touched any food, either. She didn't have the time. Now that all her preparation was over, she felt like she had run into a brick wall. She was supposed to leave for NYU in three weeks when her mother died- now she was down to two and a half. She wasn't ready at all. As soon as the funeral was over, she'd go home and start to pack.

To expect Gossip Girl to keep from commenting on the catastrophe would have been immature and stupid. She wasn't surprised to find when, leaving her limo with Cyrus and Dorota, students outside took pictures of her every move. They didn't know anything about class. Blair dutifully took her spot in the front of the church. She handed Cyrus a new tissue every time he blew his nose. Aaron showed up moments later, and the sight of him made Cyrus cry even harder- Blair's lip turned up and she tried to hide it.

Then the people started to file in. Some didn't come near her, looking almost afraid. She stood in her spot, on duty, ready to take on anyone who came to her. She was a rock.

Oddly enough, the first person to make the rounds was Jenny Humphrey- wearing one of her mother's dresses.

"Blair." Jenny muttered, sounding breathless, wrapping her up in a hug. Blair stood frozen, awkward. She had never expected anyone to touch her. She patted her back awkwardly. Jenny pulled away. "I have no idea what you're going through, but your mother was amazing. I don't know where I'd be without her."

Blair smiled and nodded, just like she practiced. "I'm sure she'd be glad you came." She promised, letting her hand fall back beside her.

"Are you okay, Blair?" Jenny asked, leaning forward a little. They had never really been friends, but they had had their moments, and Jenny was worried. "You're so calm."

Blair shrugged a little. "We have to be strong at times like these." She recited, and though Jenny didn't seem ready to let the conversation drop, she was shuffled out of the way.

"B, oh B." Serena had wrapped her up in a hug and buried her head in her shoulder. Blair had expected this; she had almost hoped that Serena wouldn't be there. Surely she would be the only person who could reduce Blair to tears at that point. "Honey, oh, sweetie. I've been calling you a million times a day. I've been at your house every morning, and not even when I got on my knees and begged would Dorota let me in." she pulled herself back, looking into Blair's eyes. "You can't shut yourself out like this. You can't build up those walls again."

Blair shrugged her hands off of her shoulders. "I'm fine, S." she promised, smiling to prove her point. "These things happen. I've been busy. We'll make a coffee date for a few days from now- they're reading the will tomorrow."

Serena, not caring much about Dorota, laced her fingers with Blair's and took Dorota's place beside her, standing up. Blair felt her heart start beating even harder than it had been. The fact that someone cared that much scared her, but as she had been telling everyone, she was perfectly fine.

Serena stood with her through the sea of people who told her their "I'm sorry"s and their stories about what a kind, gracious woman Eleanor had been. Surely she had passed before her time. It was amazing how well Blair was taking things, and if she ever needed anything, she knew where to call.

Then there was Nate. He reached up and touched her face, staring into her eyes for just a second. She turned her head and he pulled away. "We've tried everything we could to get to you, Blair. You know that this isn't the way to deal with this."

"Is your mother dead, Nate? Is that where your abundance of expertise comes from?" Blair snapped, and Nate flinched. Blair's stature shifted a little and she sighed. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. We'll meet up soon, I promise."

Serena stared at Nate pointedly and he started to walk away, and the person behind him made Blair need to collapse.

"I- I didn't expect…" Blair's voice trembled, and Chuck Bass stared at her. He was wearing a nice suit, his hair was washed and combed, and he looked like a pure gentleman.

"You didn't think your boyfriend would be here for you?" Chuck whispered, and Blair's knees almost buckled. Boyfriend. The boyfriend she hadn't talked to since she had come home from a date with him to hear the news. Serena instinctively tightened her grip on Blair's hand. "I tried everything I could think of. I called at least a thousand times. I tried to sneak into your house. I thought about climbing up the side of it…" he cocked his head, reaching for her free hand.

Blair could feel the sweat beading up on the back of her neck. For the first time in days, she felt dizzy. "I didn't think you'd…"

"Given the circumstances, you expected me to stay away?" Chuck smiled, a lopsided grin, and Blair couldn't believe how easily he could talk about his father's funeral, however vague it may have been.

"You can leave if you want." Blair promised, and she did it out of respect for him. She didn't want him to have to sit through this. Of the two of them, she was the only one strong enough to deal with a funeral.

"I'm here for you, Blair." He kissed her hand. "I haven't seen you in days. Even a Bass gets a little worried."

She closed her eyes and counted to ten. He didn't understand how badly she wanted him there. "I think it would be best for both of us if you leave." She was nearly begging. "I'll call you tonight. I'll put my phone back on. You can sneak in my window, Spiderman." She tried to smile. It didn't work. "But you need to go."

Chuck didn't answer. He put her hand down and walked toward the back. Blair didn't want to look at him. She knew she had hurt him, but he didn't need to see this.

God, did she miss him.

Serena didn't leave Blair's side the entire service. She sat, holding her hand, listening to the man who hadn't even known Eleanor speak so highly of her. Of what an aspiring person she was. How her life had been something all of them should look to for their own guidance. Blair felt like it lasted for days. And when it was over, she stood, ready to watch as they closed her mother's casket, that black marble with bright blue interior, and as soon as it clicked shut, Blair's knees collapsed. Three days of no food finally took its toll, and Blair's eyes rolled back into her head. She couldn't even feel herself falling.

* * *

When Blair woke up, she knew where ever she was, she shouldn't have been there. She saw nothing but white walls, and she sat up, a pain shot up her hand. She looked down. An IV. Of course. She had passed out after days of no food and no sleep. Her heartbeat quickened. The windows outside of her hospital room were dark. Someone had put her into a hospital gown and let down her hair. She licked her lips- they were dry and chapped. She would bet her entire trust fund that the bags under her eyes were almost as dark as it was outside. She looked disgusting.

A nurse bustled in, smiling at Blair with kind eyes. "You're awake." She said, and her voice was soft. She started to check Blair's vitals. "You've been out for a good eight hours." She went on. "Your visitor will be pleased. Hasn't left your side once, had to be almost pushed to go to the bathroom…"

Serena. Of course. Serena was there to make sure everything was okay. Thank god.

And the funeral, and Serena's stony presence beside her, and her mother's cold body in a casket that she should have never had to see yet, and Cyrus's crying enough for the both of them, and Blair not being able to shed a tear, it all hit her like a car had crashed through her window and landed dead into her chest. Tears bubbled up into her eyes.

"I think he's been tipping off doctors, bribing them to let him stay past visiting hours. I figure if we tried to move him, he'd put up quite a bit of a fight, so no one's tried." The woman sounded almost cheery. "You've got a nice boyfriend, Ms. Waldorf. In fact, I think I'll go find him to tell him you're up."

Blair sat up straighter in her seat. Chuck had been the one with her? How had be figured out where she was? Hadn't she told him to leave?

Chuck nearly ran into the room. He looked a mess. His suit had been discarded, his buttoned-up shirt loose out of his beltless pants and some of his buttons popped. His tie was still around his neck, but it was loose and falling out. "You're awake." He whispered, and he walked toward her, grabbing a chair and sitting it beside her bed. "Are you feeling better?"

Blair wiped her eyes. "What are you doing here?" she asked. She didn't want to get her hopes up. He probably just felt sorry for her, and then he'd leave.

"I could tell from the second I looked into your eyes that you weren't Blair any more." He promised, reaching out for her hand, softly running his fingers over the tube coming out. "I couldn't leave you. I didn't want you to be all alone. I know you asked me to leave..."

"You didn't leave?" she asked, and her heart was soaring. Chuck shook his head.

"I couldn't leave you. I know you asked me to, but I just couldn't leave you in case something happened… and I haven't left you." He paused, making sure he was looking into her eyes. "And I won't, Blair."

Blair's head was pounding, and every muscle in her was begging her to cry. "I love you." She promised him, and he pulled his hand away. He pulled off his tie, slipped off his shoes, and crawled into the other side of the bed, wrapping his arms around her. He kissed her neck. "You're beautiful." He promised. "And she didn't want to leave you, Blair. I promise."

Blair turned, digging her face into his chest. "How do you know?" she asked, and the question she had been asking herself all along voiced aloud broke all the dams she had been spending days building up. She started sobbing, and she couldn't stop. She was ruining Chuck's shirt, and she couldn't stop. She'd have to buy him a new one. She'd buy him anything in the world that he wanted.

Chuck didn't have to answer her. He combed his hands through her hair, a mess after being in that bun for so long, and he let her cry. "We'll get through this. You and me." He promised.

Blair wanted to tell him how happy she was that he was there, how sorry she was that he had been through this already and now he'd have to go through it again, and how much she loved him. She wanted to tell him how happy she was that he was showing her that not everyone would leave her. But she couldn't say anything. Hours from now, maybe, she'd be able to tell him everything.

But maybe Chuck didn't need to hear it. "You were there for me, Blair. I don't forget that." He waited a minute before saying anything, linking his legs with hers, pulling her into him. "And I love you. I love you so much that I'm willing to punch out any doctor who tries to make me leave tonight."


End file.
